Hello folks, sorry I have been away so long. Work has several people away on vacation which means more hours and less energy left after for everyone. That and my head has not been in the best space. Also, I have that new computer finally which on one hand means “yay, I can keep up with this blog” which I will. It also means however “yay, I can finally download that copy of Civ IV I bought three years ago and waste way too much time on it.” Gonna start scheduling time and maybe take a cat o’ nine tails to myself every time I say “just one more turn.” Not really though, self harm, unless you get honest gratification in which case, kudos to you, is not good.
It has been tempting these past few months. Life has been overwhelming and not just for me. My sibs and I have been through an awful lot since I moved back to the Rochester area at the end of last Summer. It has made me really want to move back to Buffalo, in part to get away from it all. I tell people it is because I want to get back to the “professional trouble making” and that is where most of my contacts are, and that is true. If I were being honest with myself though, I would also say it is because I just want to hide. It is not a pretty truth, but it is the truth. Who wouldn’t want that?
There are a great many people in the world who have it far worse than my brother, sister, and I. There are people gunned down by their own government, or by mercenaries in the employ of corporations “protecting” their interests. Children are starving, people are dying of treatable diseases, and folks go homeless in the wealthiest nation on the planet. Still, we could compete nicely in the Trauma Olympics. It seems like one thing after another, with more pain and uncertainty piled upon us. Each of us has our own challenges to deal with, be it sickness, betrayal, or deprivation, on top of our shared difficulties. Ultimately all our difficulties are shared because with everything we have been through you would be hard pressed to find three siblings that are closer. They are my raison d’etre sometimes and while I don’t want to speak for them, I am sure they feel the same (though Bear may roll his eyes at “raison d’etre.”)
For right now we cope, and that is enough. We cope and tell ourselves tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I may right a poem. Tomorrow a new job may come along. Tomorrow one of my lovely nieces may paint my sister a lovely picture. Tomorrow we might have some answers, and if not, there is always the day after that, or the day after that. It is not easy finding ways to cope, and when your brain chemistry is predisposed to not wanting to find them, it is harder, which, in our specific circumstances makes it a little easier too. It’s complicated.
Some of you reading this may be going through your own hard times. I hope this post is of comfort to you. Not because I think my sister, brother and I are special, but really because the opposite. We are not, not really. If we can cope, so can you. You may not think so, and you may have perfectly legitimate reasons for believing that. Maybe you are in an abusive relationship. Maybe you are trying to kick a self-destructive pattern of behavior. Maybe you are jobless with no prospects in sight. You’ve got this though. You can get through, and if you cannot there is help. Cope for now. Muddle through and make it to the next day and the next. Keep doing that and maybe, just maybe, you will find yourself not just coping, but flying. No promises except that it won’t happen if you don’t keep going. Sometimes that is all we got.