Friday Nite Poetry: Feelin’ Groovy

I just have one for you this week. If you’ve been following my posts that aren’t creative writing you know it has been a rough few weeks. Still, through it all I know I am loved, and damn isn’t that nice?

I Used To Not

I used to not dance
because I felt awkward
and strange.
I was helped in that assumption
by my peers
and being a kid
you don’t see.
You don’t see.

I didn’t dance
despite the fact my mom taught me.
She did this because
“every young gentleman should know how to dance”
and I hope that somewhere out in the cosmos,
wherever she is,
she gets as much a laugh out of that as I do.

I didn’t dance
despite how much I loved it.
I denied myself the music in my soul
in favor of the security
of anonymity
and a still body
with a restless heart.

I dance now though.
I give myself to the beat
and just let go.
I dance alone
and I dance with friends
I dance with women
and I dance with men.
I do this and let myself feel the joy.

I used to not smile
because what was there to smile about?
The world was always cruel to me then
and I felt no reason to enjoy
what pleasures it was kind enough
to send my way.

I did not smile
except when prodded
by the rare moments of happiness
or by loved ones
worried by my constantly sullen demeanor.
My scowl an armor
and a bad habit all at once.

I did not smile
because smiles were masks
to hide the pain
and I
in my infinite
youthful wisdom
saw them as hypocritical and shallow.

I smile now though
because now I see
when you wear the mask long enough
the mask becomes you
and before long
pretending to be happy
can become the real thing
especially when you draw happiness to you.

I used to not love
because it always led to rejection.
It led to a heart twisted in pain.
Too many tears on my pillow
for what I thought I never could have
or worse
thought I never deserved.

I did not love
because I had seen love go sour.
Promises broken by a wandering eye.
Promises misshapen
by selfishness:
greed and base carnality
mistaken for love

I did not love
because somewhere deep down
I was still that thirteen year old
waiting for that phone call
to confirm the news:
that ultimate act of abandonment

I love now though.
I love because it is OK
if I never get it back.
The funny thing is
once you know that
you do.

I used to not do a lot of things
that I do now.
Not doing became a favorite crutch.
Doing is so much better though
because once you get that momentum
it is so hard to stop.

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One thought on “Friday Nite Poetry: Feelin’ Groovy

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