I really do try to be an optimist. I stand by everything I wrote earlier today. I do believe there is hope. I have to believe it, because if I did not, I would be crippled by sorrow. I have days like that sometimes, or even just a few minutes. Sometimes it is just random, but there are reasons for it, there have been events in my life that it is just too hard to not scream about how unfair it all is. I do not ask for much out of life. A little security, a place at the table among those trying to help make the world a better place. Not even a prominent place, just to be there. I don’t want a lot of money (not that I’d turn that down) I’d be happy with not struggling. I’d be happy not to have to beg just to have a roof over my head. I try to be one of the good guys and I don’t do it for any reward but I find myself asking for one, even if it is just to not have it so hard.
And I get it, I really do. I know there are so many that have it so much harder than me out there. There are people in the streets, right now, covered in snow, afraid for their lives. There are women being beaten by men they love and trusted. There are children being neglected by their parents. There are other people though, people I have written about here, who have done awful things and are allowed to sleepwalk their way through life. Who don’t really have to face the consequences, not in any meaningful way, of their actions. The rest of us have to live what they’ve done, but they seem OK just shrugging their shoulders and getting on with their life where they left it. What the hell is fair about that when I cannot even get a job helping others. All I want is to be part of the team making the world a better place but I cannot get one.
I cannot get one in part because the people who should have prepped me for the world did not. I am passed over or outright turned away before I even get the chance to be passed over because I never learned how to drive. And I am so angry right now for that. I know the anger is not really productive, but there it is all the same. I helped out, financially and otherwise, as a kid, and they could not do one of the most basic things required of them. Professional lessons require money, money I do not have because I cannot get a living wage because I do not drive. It is not the be all and end all, but it has held me back so much. I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling like a whiner when I bring it up. It’s not right, I was hosed and I cannot even say it to the remaining person that hosed me, for a variety of reasons.
It is getting harder to get over this every time this setback rears its ugly head. I have friends that legitimately want to help with this, but none of us seems to have the time, at least at the same time to deal with it. I am not asking for riches, fame, a free ride, or even recognition. I would be perfectly content with a tiny, studio apartment, an old computer to write on, and a job, even a low paying job, that is emotionally fulfilling. When do I get even a glimmer of that?
I am sorry I am ranting. I am sorry for being such a hypocrite. It is just too much sometimes. When do I get my chance? I read so many people complaining about not getting this part, or the big house or car they “deserve,” why can’t I complain about being hobbled by the people who were supposed to teach me to walk? I am just tired, and sad, and sick of feeling that way. I am sick of feeling hopeful for everyone else but hopeless for me. Isn’t it bad enough I have to deal with being stuck in gender limbo? Isn’t it bad enough that little fact makes finding companionship so difficult, and forces me to live a lie in my hometown (a place that, despite my appreciating having what time I can with my brother and his children, does not feel like “home” at all?) Can’t I just be allowed to get past this stupid, practical challenge?
More and more I feel left behind. I watch other people progressing, and I want to be happy for them, and I usually am, but it is always tinged with envy and longing and I end up feeling bad about that. Sometimes it hardly seems worth my while getting out of bed. Why should I, when it is just going to be another day of disappointment. I just want to find contentment, I want a fair chance, but I have no idea what that even means.