Too Many Labels, Yet Still Not Enough

It is hard, so very hard sometimes, to figure out just who and what I am. Most days I look like a boy, even though I desperately want otherwise. I do not look like a woman, but I feel I am one. I know who I want to be, but not who I am, or at least it feels that way.  I am blessed to have so many truly understanding friends and family members, but I still live in a world, in a culture, that demands I pick some tidy place on the gender and sexuality spectrum and if I do not do so, I am somehow a fraud, or worse, a predator.

TERF’s try to label me a wolf in sheep’s clothing, trying to invade women’s space by claiming their identity so I can slip in unnoticed and have my way. They will tell you I want to trick lesbians into having sex with me, which is really funny considering all the women I have been attracted to the last year or so have been attracted to men. Wouldn’t it be easier to just pretend I wasn’t trans, be a boy and court them like a hetero male would?  Why would I go out of my way to make it harder to have an intimate relationship with those I want one.

I have no idea how to identify myself most days, or, more accurately I do, but it is so very cumbersome. I am a pan sexual, pre operative, pre HRT, trans woman, forced to pass as male due to economic an d cultural constraints. Yeah, I know, it is a mouthful, and there are probably things I am leaving out, but because I cannot give my whole life story every time I meet someone, it always feels like I am lying by omission. Even if those closest to me do not do so, I feel like the rest of the world is labeling me a liar. I feel like no one really believes anything coming out of my mouth.

I feel judged because while I enjoy the company of both sexes, I prefer being in relationships with women. If I mention that I actually prefer sex with men, I get the impression that somehow it comes off like I am quibbling, or rationalizing. Like I have to qualify in order to justify. It is true, I do prefer sex with men, but what business is that if anyone if I prefer cuddling, talking, and doing just about everything else with women? Why do I feel like I have to explain the minutiae of my personality just so others can feel comfortable?

I am ranting, I know, it is just that this gets so difficult some times, and there are forces out there that actively work to make life more difficult for me and people like me. I try not to let it overwhelm me, but sometimes it does. I want to be able to tell the women I love that I love them without being made to feel like a monster. Yet so often that is exactly what our media, conservative pundits, and a few dark corners of the feminist movement make me feel.

I want to live without any of those labels. I want to love, and live, and learn and just be me. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but sometimes, just sometimes, it feels like I am asking for the world.

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4 thoughts on “Too Many Labels, Yet Still Not Enough

  1. It seems as if humans are wired to put things into categories, and when something doesn’t fit into a category, the excuses and rationalizing start. And when they cannot rationalize, they have to dehumanize. I’m sorry that some people feel the right to explain yourself to you, as if they know better.

    People who hate and are intolerant have big mouths, but they are in the minority. My mantra is “education and exposure.” The more people enounter different ethnicities, sexual orientations, religions, gender identities, etc., the more they learn and the sooner they realize there is no threat. Hang in there!

  2. I think the reality is many people are not on this linear spectrum when it comes to gender and sexuality. It’s easier to just “pick a side,” or else you risk being called a fence-sitter or having someone question your identity or put a label on you that doesn’t fit. Gender and sexuality are more like big, ever-expanding, multi-dimensional, glitter amoebas than a line between “man” and “woman” or “gay” and “straight” or “masculine” and “feminine.” It just isn’t that simple. And you don’t have to be confused to know that you are not on that spectrum, either by reality, choice, or circumstance. I am ready for the queer revolution, where labels are only used by people to describe themselves and no label has a set definition. 🙂 Sending you love.

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