It is hard, so very hard sometimes, to figure out just who and what I am. Most days I look like a boy, even though I desperately want otherwise. I do not look like a woman, but I feel I am one. I know who I want to be, but not who I am, or at least it feels that way. I am blessed to have so many truly understanding friends and family members, but I still live in a world, in a culture, that demands I pick some tidy place on the gender and sexuality spectrum and if I do not do so, I am somehow a fraud, or worse, a predator.
TERF’s try to label me a wolf in sheep’s clothing, trying to invade women’s space by claiming their identity so I can slip in unnoticed and have my way. They will tell you I want to trick lesbians into having sex with me, which is really funny considering all the women I have been attracted to the last year or so have been attracted to men. Wouldn’t it be easier to just pretend I wasn’t trans, be a boy and court them like a hetero male would? Why would I go out of my way to make it harder to have an intimate relationship with those I want one.
I have no idea how to identify myself most days, or, more accurately I do, but it is so very cumbersome. I am a pan sexual, pre operative, pre HRT, trans woman, forced to pass as male due to economic an d cultural constraints. Yeah, I know, it is a mouthful, and there are probably things I am leaving out, but because I cannot give my whole life story every time I meet someone, it always feels like I am lying by omission. Even if those closest to me do not do so, I feel like the rest of the world is labeling me a liar. I feel like no one really believes anything coming out of my mouth.
I feel judged because while I enjoy the company of both sexes, I prefer being in relationships with women. If I mention that I actually prefer sex with men, I get the impression that somehow it comes off like I am quibbling, or rationalizing. Like I have to qualify in order to justify. It is true, I do prefer sex with men, but what business is that if anyone if I prefer cuddling, talking, and doing just about everything else with women? Why do I feel like I have to explain the minutiae of my personality just so others can feel comfortable?
I am ranting, I know, it is just that this gets so difficult some times, and there are forces out there that actively work to make life more difficult for me and people like me. I try not to let it overwhelm me, but sometimes it does. I want to be able to tell the women I love that I love them without being made to feel like a monster. Yet so often that is exactly what our media, conservative pundits, and a few dark corners of the feminist movement make me feel.
I want to live without any of those labels. I want to love, and live, and learn and just be me. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but sometimes, just sometimes, it feels like I am asking for the world.