Neurochemical Confluence

English: Drawing illustrating the process of s...A mile a minute the ideas fly at her. She can do it all she is certain of it. She just needs to keep the ball rolling, keep her head of steam, keep up, keep going, keep pushing through , and keep bouncing around. Her hand grips the pen as she scribbles on her journal haphazardly and she barely notices the mess of bowls, pans, whisks and other implements of creation around her. It does not matter. All that matters is that she keep her momentum.

Stephanie is convinced she has solved it. She knows what to do now. All she needs to do is, well, do. Do anything to maintain an active mind. Give in to this endless creative impulse, this sleepless urge to move without any clear direction. Direction does not matter. Direction is the enemy. If she sets a direction, she will get into a groove. If she gets into a groove, it will wear her down, and she cannot let herself get down again. No, this is how she is going to beat it this time.

The doctors were wrong. She does not need meds. She especially does not need Lithium. All they do is leave her in a fog. They make her worse, not better. Stephanie wants to be better. She knows her “sickness” can make her better. Manic-depressive, bi-polar, or whatever it is they want to call it this year, it is a gift, not a curse. That is what she has convinced herself of. This time it will work for her not against her. This time she will not sink into that pit of tar that drags her down at the end of an “up cycle” because she will stay up by keeping the ideas going.

That is the plan, but then she has been so creative in the past. It is only a matter of time until the cookies are burnt, until the rhyme is broken, until one thing leads to another and she is so angry at it all and she just cannot make it work. It is only a matter of time before she can only see the failure. When that happens her anger at her failure consumes her, and she can see only one way to correct it. There is only one way she is guaranteed to never fail.

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