As of this writing I still find myself hopelessly single. This will probably continue for the foreseeable future. Being caught in gender limbo is not a recipe for being a relationship magnet. It also seems like the people I am attracted to who prefer the company of women always view me as a man. Those who prefer the company of men always view me as a woman, for which I am grateful but it kind of gets me down a bit when I am attracted to them. It seems like no one will ever want me back (bear with me, the happy is coming.) I fall in love, but no one falls along with me, and sometimes, really every time, it hurts. That said, I would not change it for anything.
I may never have my love reciprocated, but in those days, hours, moments, before I know for certain that it just is not going to work out, I get to hope, just a little. I get the pleasure of that person’s company, if we are friends, and their presence is a balm to my soul. Whatever it is that attracts me to them makes me happy, for a little while, knowing that at least in some small way they want me around, even if it is not to cuddle or kiss.
For a short time I allow myself to imagine being happy in their arms, even if it never happens. There is a chance, however small, that this time, maybe, just maybe, they will see me how I see them. It is anxious, and full of doubts, but it is also full of possibility and I get to feel some fraction of joy from it. I look in their eyes, see their smile, listen to their laugh or their words, and know, for a little while at least, that there is happiness to be had in this world.
I have a propensity to wax romantic. For a self-described skeptic and rational thinker, I can be turned completely around by the right smile from the right guy or gal. I want to feel that connection, to be wanted back. I suppose we all do. In lieu of that the near misses will have to do. The almost connections, the thrill that comes with them will keep me moving. I will bask in their wondrous presence as long as they let me, and some of them let me for a good long time, so long as I know the boundaries.
Who knows, maybe this next one will see me. Better yet, maybe someone else will want me, and I will see them. I have learned to be happy with me, more or less, alone. It would be nice to have someone to share me with, though, and to work toward both of our happiness. Until then, I am grateful for the possibilities, and that feeling of bliss I get when they present themselves.
- Gratitude as a source of power (drivenwoman.co.uk)
- Gratitude – November 15 (lorengasser.wordpress.com)
- Taking “T” Things With Gratitude (ptbertram.wordpress.com)
- A Recipe for Gratitude! (blogsensebybarb.wordpress.com)