Friday Morning Phone Call: Peeking Out of my Cocoon

The Moment Before: Noise in Black and White

The Moment Before: Noise in Black and White (Photo credit: juliejordanscott)

I am fully aware that I am at best a socially awkward person. I used to say I am anti-social, but that is not true. I like people, even the ones I don’t like. Afraid of other people, however, is an entirely different thing.

Although I don’t know that I would say I am afraid of them. I am afraid of how they will react to me. Fear of rejection has been so much of a motivating factor in my life, which is silly because I have so many people in my life, not just family, that love me, and I them. Obviously just being a trans* woman stuck in transition limbo doesn’t help. I cannot always present and it makes me worried that people won’t know how to take me.

Which is another reason I am loving this new job. The work itself forces me to be social (though in a more academic way that I am already comfortable with) and the group encourages me to join in with their social activities. I am no dummy, I know this is at least in part to build the team, but it is nice to have someone invite me into their world, rather than slowly slide my way in until people accept me like a piece of old furniture.

I want to be more social, I want to do more than I have in the past. I want to dance, play, laugh and fall in love. I want to be an actual part of the human experience rather than just watch on the sidelines. It is kind of late in the seasons of my life to do so, but I think I am finally learning how.

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4 thoughts on “Friday Morning Phone Call: Peeking Out of my Cocoon

  1. Christine,
    Great post. You should be afraid of some people; that is a good and natural defense mechanism. Those of us in the LGBTQ community do not have the luxury of being able to feel safe everywhere. I’m so glad the job is a good fit!

    • It is a very good fit. I am actually starting to feel very protective of some of these young people I work with (but I’ve always been something of a Mama Bear with the people I care about.)

  2. We just bought a sign that says it is never too late to live happily ever after. I think you have to just get out there and do. being social is hard for lots of us, myself included. I am always thinking “oh they must think I’m sooo this or that” you can’t do that. I understand your hesitation because of how people may react to you being a trans, but hiding on the sidelines doesn’t make anyone learn that you are a cool person and just like the rest of us. We are all alike: nervous, smart, caring, angry sometimes etc. Get out there you are a human first of all and should get out there and be social. You always were before, so stop fretting and do it! I force myself sometimes to accept invitations that I know will make me feel awkward because it usually turns out great and isn’t strange the next time.

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