I am fully aware that I am at best a socially awkward person. I used to say I am anti-social, but that is not true. I like people, even the ones I don’t like. Afraid of other people, however, is an entirely different thing.
Although I don’t know that I would say I am afraid of them. I am afraid of how they will react to me. Fear of rejection has been so much of a motivating factor in my life, which is silly because I have so many people in my life, not just family, that love me, and I them. Obviously just being a trans* woman stuck in transition limbo doesn’t help. I cannot always present and it makes me worried that people won’t know how to take me.
Which is another reason I am loving this new job. The work itself forces me to be social (though in a more academic way that I am already comfortable with) and the group encourages me to join in with their social activities. I am no dummy, I know this is at least in part to build the team, but it is nice to have someone invite me into their world, rather than slowly slide my way in until people accept me like a piece of old furniture.
I want to be more social, I want to do more than I have in the past. I want to dance, play, laugh and fall in love. I want to be an actual part of the human experience rather than just watch on the sidelines. It is kind of late in the seasons of my life to do so, but I think I am finally learning how.