Romantic Roulette

I try to avoid writing too much about romance. I tend to drift into whining, because I really suck at it. Romance itself, not writing about it. It’s not entirely my fault. Being trans and dating is kind of like running a marathon with your legs chained. Stuck as you are in gender limbo, straight men (and I am speaking as a trans woman here) and lesbians are not interested in hook ups and can be excused for not being patient. Gay men and straight women will likely, at some point, want to have fun with the bits you have no interest in other people touching and will in all likelihood at least be fighting the urge to talk you out of transition. Even fellow trans folk have so much internalized transphobic baggage to deal with.

It is hard for anyone to find someone that is right for them, and that much harder when you are in a position like this. When you find someone, someone with the right attitudes about gender and sexuality, and who is passionate about all the same things as you, it is really easy to get way too excited about it. It is too easy to say “oh my God, there is someone out there suited to me!” Without ever asking if you if you are well suited to them. It is selfish and a bit delusional but then, we can all be regardless of the circumstances when it comes to relationships.

Finding a partner or partners (yes, I will be trying to be more poly-inclusive here) is always equal parts being able to communicate and plain, old fashioned, luck. No matter who you are, it may take a long time to find someone for whom you are as well suited as they are for you. It may never happen. I know that is a bit depressing, it depresses me, but it is the truth. Rather than be consumed by it though, accept that it may turn out like that, at least as best you can, and enjoy the relationships you do have. It’s okay to be sad about not having a romantic relationship, even to cry about it from time to time, but don’t let it define you.

Oh, and on a final note: if you find yourself head over heels because you think someone is perfect for you, but find you are not for them, if you want to remain friends, respect their boundaries. Be mindful that the attention may be uncomfortable for them and ease off. Trust me, I know that part is not easy, but if they really are as great as you think and worth having as friends, if you really care about them, you will do that for them. If they tell you that you’ve made them uncomfortable, apologize. Don’t defend yourself and make excuses, just apologize and if they don’t say they want you to back off, ask. Again, if you really care about them, you’ll do that, for them and for your own emotional health. Now go out and spin that wheel again, because always losing really is more fun than never playing the game.

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