If you don’t know me in person I’ll just let you in on the (not really) secret. I suck at the whole dating thing. I am socially awkward to begin with and heap that on being trans, now middle-aged and not terribly financially secure, well, I’m not exactly primo dating material. Don’t get me wrong, I think I am a pretty cool person and I’d like to think there is someone out there for me, even if they aren’t exclusively for me, but I know dating is an uphill battle for me. It always has been and always will be.
So it may come as a surprise to some that, yeah, I actually turn people away, at least when it comes to romance. I find that being trans generally attracts two kinds of men: creepy guys that fetishize us and guys that think I should feel lucky that they are paying me any kind of attention and aren’t shy about letting me know that. I may be unhappy being single, but I’m not that unhappy about it. That and I am more emotionally attracted to women, so I’m not likely to click with a guy, and the women that are interested think they can “cure” me of this whole “silly wanting to be a girl thing.” They don’t want a woman and that’s fine, it’s just that I have zero intention of remaining a man, so it just isn’t going to work out. You want to go out and have some fun as gal pals, I am so along for the ride, but that’s where it ends.
Having an intimate connection with someone is great, if memory serves, but it is not so great that it is worth giving up your basic, human dignity for it. Nor is it some prize to be won, which is how a lot of men view relationships, and which is the real reason for this post. I have known, and called “friend”, more than a few guys that fit what other bloggers have referred to as the Nice Guy ™. These men think because they don’t behave in the stereotypical “big, swinging, dick” sort of way that they are good guys and that women, who in their view complain about and let themselves be victim of those macho men, somehow owe them attention for this. I won’t get into to many details, the above link does it pretty well, but I will just flat-out state, when you are thinking about what’s in it for you when it comes to your behavior, your motives are automatically suspect.
That, and women, or whatever point on the gender spectrum you are attracted to, are not prizes to be won. If you are really looking for a healthy relationship, starting out with viewing that person as an object is not a good way to start. Also, if they don’t respond to your Nice Guy charms, it’s not because they are self loathing, or have it in for you, it’s because they just weren’t feeling it. I am the Queen of Rejection. If tattooed myself with the name of every person that I fell for that didn’t fall for me I wouldn’t have a square inch of skin without ink. That said, with the exception of those very, very few that have been needlessly cruel, I bear not an ounce of animosity toward any of them, and never did. Was I heartbroken? Sure, and in some cases I still am, but they cannot help that I was not what they wanted. They can’t control how they feel anymore than I can. Just because someone is perfect for you does not mean you are perfect for them.
So stop wasting energy being angry at (insert appropriate noun for you gender preference here.) Take time to think what you could be doing to either better identify the people who will be attracted to you, or to make yourself a little more attractive. You would be surprised how much a confident smile helps. Oh, and quit acting like you are owed, that’s ugly. I guarantee that is not helping you any. So chin up, get out there, and good luck!