I’ve had a lot of time lately to think about my varied identity crises. There is one, of course, that stands out amongst all the others: my trans status. This is more than just a crisis of “I feel like I am supposed to be a woman.” That is the obvious and easy part. I also wonder if I am womanly enough, if I will ever be able to transition fully and if I won’t, what does that mean about me? It’s not overbearing. I am ok with the answers, or the lack thereof, for the most part.
Still, of late I have not been able to pass at all, much less as much as I’d like to. I could, if I had the means, and sometimes just by din of my longish, curly hair I do on accident until people see my five o’clock shadow. There are tells, though, that I wish I had the time, energy and/or skill to get rid of. I have fairly deep voice and I know I fall into a very “guy” way of walking a lot.
Sometimes I feel like people don’t think I am serious about my transition. I haven’t worn make up as much because until lately I haven’t been working so I could not afford more make up. Since I haven’t been able to wear makeup I haven’t been wearing my forms. Nobody has actually said anything. It’s just an impression I get and I admit I could just be projecting my worries on to everyone else.
It’s more than that though. There are all sorts of things about me that I am ok with that other people, sometimes, are not. My love of sport makes some people wonder (though as I’ve mentioned before, my family and closest friends are great about it.) The fact that I am attracted to both men and women, and ultimately prefer the company of women, will sometimes raise eyebrows. Also the fact that I have absolutely no aversion to conflict comes off to some people, those that obviously did not know my mother, as overly masculine.
I just don’t know why we, as a culture, and that includes a goodly portion of the LGBTQ community, still insist on gender being a strict either-or proposition. Gender is a sliding scale and few of us fit nicely into a particular role. I know really tender, unathletic straight men. I’ve known butch straight women. I’ve known members of both sexes that fit very nicely into the stereotypes of their assigned gender roles, and I have known folks in between. I’ve known fellow trans folks who absolutely know where they want to end up and I’ve known others that are content not being one or the other.
Given all that I just want to be me, whoever that is. I want to be me without wondering if I’m queer, trans or whatever else enough.